The Needs Merry Go Round

Can you tell I'm still pissed? I tried to have a conversation with his majesty the king. Psssh. It's like talking to a brick wall. Humans have needs. I get that. It would be nice if he'd share them with me. He likes to act like I'm not meeting his needs. I might not be for all I know. How can I know? He won't say. Maybe that's a control thing. Maybe he needs to be miserable, he wouldn't be the first person on the planet like that.

Here's the thing. I have needs to. Where I ask him what they are, only to be met with a refusal to say, he doesn't even ask me. He just doesn't care. All he thinks about is himself. It's like he needs to be a martyr, poor him, with his horrible wife. He doesn't like me to meet his friends, they will get to know me and realize that I'm not the harpy he says I am. True, I am probably nastier to him than I am to anyone else, but I'm not horrible.

He's so stupid! I have this urge to repeatedly punch him in the head, right in the nose. He's not happy, I'm not happy, yet he doesn't want to have any kind of meaningful conversation. Stupid ass.

Yet what can I do? In the end, I still love him. I do want to work on things. I don't want to be unhappy and I don't want him to be unhappy. You hear of or know these great couples, but are they really that great? Are they living lives of quiet desperation or are they truly a happy team? Are great marriages something that Hollywood sells us or is it a possibility? Are we all so damaged that what we take for happiness is really just some nasty form of co-dependence? Maybe. Who knows.

We are a nation of adults that were raised by single parents. (not across the board, I'm just making a point) So what do we even know of relationships? Promiscuous male celebrities are praised but when the celebrity is a female, she's a whore. What is right?

Where do we go from here?

Tired

I am so tired of double standards. My husband has certain expectations of me, but god forbid if I have expectations from him. Sure, I could keep the house cleaner. Sure, I could workout more. What he wants isn't exactly out in left field. Except that he doesn't feel that I have a right to put any demands on him. I am so pissed off right now.

His majesty the fucking king wants me to loose weight. He's right, I weigh an unhealthy amount. However, he couldn't be bothered to be supportive. Support isn't nitpicking, criticizing, or basically harassment. Who the hell is he that he can act like this, but have a damn heart attack if I ask him to do something for me. Like pick up his fucking socks???

That brings up another thing. He expects me to keep the house perfectly clean. Not such a bad demand on the surface, but he's a slob. Too lazy to go to the damn bathroom, the man pees in jugs, milk gallons, and bowls. It's foul and I refuse to dump them. No, they don't sit around in the living room, he usually sleeps in the attic. To sleep, he needs a movie and food. I can't sleep like that, so he has his "man room". The cat peed on the futon cover and he never washed it. I'm not welcome in that room, so I don't clean it. The cat peed on it years ago, and continues to pee on it. Add the cat pee to rotting bowls of food and bowls and jugs of pee. Yeah, who the hell is he to bitch about a small mess?

Can you tell he got home from work tonight in a mood? We went through a really rough patch over the summer. I owned up to my mistakes in the marriage but he's not man enough to do the same thing. The ass can't take responsibility for his own mistakes, everything must be my fault.

He's bitching that he's stuck home tonight. Not my fault that he never kept in contact with his friends and the only one who still talks to him is too tired to go out. Not my fault, nor my problem. While my social life isn't as active as I'd like it, for the time being there's nothing I can do about it. So why complain about something that in the immediate time I can't change? I swear, the man's middle name is whiner. I've never met anyone who complains as much as he does. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.

If you aren't living in the solution, you are living in the problem. That's a little gem I picked up from Alanon. It's a glorious bit of wisdom. He'd never listen to it, everyone else is the cause of his issues. Strike that, I am the cause of his issues. I ruined his life. I caused his misery. Whatever.